Funny/Ironic Quotes

“As we say down at the post-office: Here’s to looking up your address.” Cliff Clavin, Cheers

“You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Bonanza dubbed into french-canadian.” Cliff Clavin, Cheers

“Once the trust goes out of a relationship it’s really no fun lying to them anymore.” Norm Peterson, Cheers

“I don’t want to control people’s lives. If they did things right I wouldn’t have to!” Coach, Coach

(funny chinese fortunes, from Newsradio)

  • “Envy not, that which need not be possessed”
  • “Mighty oaks, from acorn, grow”
  • “Good fortune happy lucky big time for you and family”

“Show me a woman who isn’t jealous of another woman and I’ll show you a man.” Bill McNeil, Newsradio

(J) “Don’t do that.”
(P) “Why not?”
(J) “Because, I’m not ovulating yet.”
(P) “.. Well I am!” Jamie & Paul, Mad About You

“Justice is incidental to law and order.” -J. Edgar Hoover-

“My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.” -Benjamin Disraeli-

“A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there’s no question about it.” -George W. Bush-

“Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy.” -Dwight Eisenhower-

“Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, its just the opposite.” -John Kenneth Galbraith-

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” -Henry Kissinger-

“By definition, as a Prime Minister I cannot be a liar.” -Silvio Berlusconi-

“When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.” -Harry S. Truman-

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.” -Margaret Thatcher

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” -Abraham Lincoln-

“We thank God that our ennemies are idiots.” -Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

“I am an environmentalist .. I am for clean air.” -Ronald Reagan-

“I am the Jesus Christ of politics. I am a patient victim, I sacrifice myself for everyone.” -Silvio Berlusconi-

“The trouble with free elections is, you never know who is going to win.” Leonid Brezhnez

“Well I’m not a nuclear psychiatrist but I think it’s bunk.” Luther van Damme, Coach

-Work is not about fun, its about.. work. It’s about seeing how much crap you can take from your boss.. then some more. Listen to me, only quitters quit.
-So, can I get a job? Red & Eric Foreman, That 70s Show

“How can men use sex to get what they want?! Sex is what we want!” Frasier Crane, Frasier

“The Gods too are fond of a joke.” -Aristotle-

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit.”

“We drink [to] one another’s health and spoil our own.” -Jerome K. Jerome-

“Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint.” -Mark Twain-

“I’m not vulnerable, I’m slightly receptive.” Frasier Crane, Frasier

“Letters carriers do it on foot.” Cliff Clavin, Cheers

“If you chicks needed a little less booze to go from maybe to yes we’d be a lot more alert when the moment of truth arrives.” Bulldog Brisco, Frasier

“Ass freezehole!”

“I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned.” -Lord Byron-

(kid) -“I want my mommy!”
(Al) -“Yeah, so does your dad’s brother.” Al Bundy, Married with Children

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